oh boy its tough but…..
if i can do just one thing today for for myself then its a good day. yes i have been meaning to write this for months. i used to think i was busy. until now i realize i had nothing really to do. what was i doing? touring is a piece of cake. touring in a van across the country playing collage towns in shit hole bars during the summer (everyone is out of collage) is a fucking a walk in the park. reading a shit review you know all your friends and enemies are all reading over a smug cup of coffee and then having to smile past, is nothing. your boyfriend sleeping with your best friend, nothing. getting dropped from your label a month after you dad falls off a mountain, a little hick up compared to the roller coaster ride i am on. nobody told me how bloody hard it is to be a mother. or maybe i just did not want to hear it.
i guess i have been the free est spirit i know. running away any sign of trouble. i love my boy beyond any words or any thing i have ever experienced and it grows like a forest fire everyday, but man am i overwhelmed with my new role. i want to punch all those fucking woman who make it sound so easy… “its the best thing i ever did!!! “life did not start until i had my little girl” what??? i had an amazing life! a full life.
so this brings me to today and my point. and how my main goal each day is to get one thing done for myself-get nest out of hair, walk dog, listen to new arcade fire record (still on fence) run, watch a film, nap, see a friend. and if one more person asks me if i have been inspired to write after having a baby i am going to kill them. even if i had, i would not have had a moment to put it down. i am a walking mess. but a very happy mess. don’t get me wrong, i don’t want my old life back. and those tours and reviews, although easier in comparison are a different kind of trouble -heartbreak-a much sadder/lonelier kind. but i wanted to be honest with you and not sugar coat this new venture. its been tough. maybe i though i was a natural and would dance through it all with ease. like they all said i would. i fooled them. what i am getting to is that now i am happy when i get one of those things done a day. if lucky 2 or 3. and that is all i need for now. am very happy. music will have to wait another month or so. as i said before slowly slowly catch the tiger
slowly slowly catch the tiger
i have nothing to say. nothing. well.. i can talk you off a building about babies, no sleep, how much sugar i want pumped into my veins, no sleep, an almost smile, baby this baby that. the list goes on. i am as happy as i could ever be, and as lost. my life thus far has not prepared me for this. i am a fish out of water. i have spent my life running around doing as i please. i have walked away when ever i pleased. i have jumped on a plane when ever i could and come home at sunrise. no patience. but now i am learning to sit still and listen. to be patient and wait for sleep. to wake up when i used to fall asleep. slowly slowly catch the tiger.
but music??? where is music right now? well i have, ’ i’m a little tea pot’ round and round in my head, ‘oh my darling’ spinning. please send me some new music. putting a baby to sleep listening to lcd is not ideal. elvis perkins seems to work wonders though. I have been watching my favorite show, friday night lights and they have amazing songs on there from bands i have never heard. have you heard of A.A. bondy? he has a song called killed myself when i was young….pretty cool.
if i could figure out how to attach a photo i would send one of my little finn.
playlist for being born
what can i say. on the 4th of june i had a little boy. yes i made a baby. can’t believe it. was pretty easy actually… drunk sex will do the trick. he is big and getting bigger and wont stop eating. i have not had a moment to think about anything and this is the first free moment since he arrived. everyone keeps asking me if i have been inspired to write and i can honestly say i have not had the chance to even know what i am feeling.
my mother has been here to help and make my life easier. my brother and sister were also here and i have been overwhelmed. in the good way.
i made a cd to listen to while in hospital and while pushing the little one out.
sweet thing/van morrison
send my fond regard to lonelyville/ elvis perkins
123 goodbye/elvis perkins
an ending/brian eno
pitter patter goes my heart/broken social scene
safety bricks/broken s s
green grass of tunnel/mum
catalini la wally/maria callas
blue turning grey/clap your hands and say yeah
first day of my life/bright eyes
northern sky/nick drake
lcd best show this year
last thursday, against my better judgment - aching back and belly, i took myself along with 3 very excited boys to see lcd sound system at terminal 5. after calling ahead and getting special vip seating for very fat pregnant gal i thought why the hell not. we sat smug at our perfectly located table and waited for the show to begin. holy ghost opened and where pretty cool. realised that the opener never really has a chance. music is turned right down but still good. apparently it was their 2 nd show ever.
lcd was amazing!!!! seen them at the bowery before but was in a foul mood and being a brat. but this was so fun and even though i looked like a tent and got more looks then i had bargained for, it was worth every second. please go see them when they come your way. they just started a north american tour. its nothing like my music and its nothing like you would expect me to like, but i am not like you would expect. so trust me. makes you happy and gives you goose bumps and although bon iver was my favorite show of last year, lcd was my favorite for this. have the same effect. they just make you want to make better music.
now i will retreat back into my cave
so my love affair with myself goes on. it will be brief but it has been a pleasure. today it was dog parks , a long lunch with a friend and then off to the moma to see henri cartier- bresson exhibit and marina abramovic. any of you who live in ny probably already know about her performance piece at the moma- the artist is present. she sits in the middle of the room and does not move from doors opening to closing. there is a seat in front of her and anyone is welcome to sit and stare. its pretty daunting, and while i watched on , panicked at the thought of having to sit before her and engage in a stare down, it dawned on me that it was pretty cool. some people sat for over 20 mins. can you do that? no fucking way in hell could i. not sure i can stare at my boyfriends eyes for more then 10 seconds without feeling nervous.
the rest of her show i may be the wrong person to ask. i could not stop laughing. i am sure many people would just turn their nose up and me saying this but i just thought…fuck off.
henri cartier bresson’s photos were wonderful and i wish i could have thrown everyone else out so i could have been alone with them. too many people and noise and chaos. but beautiful… so
now i am going to ruin my lovely cultured filled day and watch shit on tv.
enjoying my last days of being alone. seen 3 movies in 3 days. exit through the gift shop- great, mother and child-heartbreaking but also great, and babies-not so great.
went to see massive attack at terminal 5 on wednesday night. might have been a bit ambitious for a 9 months pregnant gal. couldn’t make it through to the end. have walked and walked up and down this damn island of manhattan over and over and have big plans to go to the moma next week to see the henri cartier-bresson exhibit. my head is not right for making music right now. its like i am just waiting for this huge avalanche to come a swoop me from my perch and change everything. so i guess my feeling is that any feeling i have now will suddenly be irrelevant in days. so i am filling my days with things i fear will be harder to justify doing in a few weeks. just being lazy and selfish and frivolous with my time. like we do when we are at school or something.
and another week
today i ventured to jersey city to GOOM radio and was allowed to hijack the station for 45 mins and play any song i wanted and explain why. dream job really. its pretty much what we all do late night, no? they were very kind, sweet and cool. will be aired next week so will let you know when that is exactly.
been recording ( but having some technical problems) at home in my tiny apt with jason. just prepping for going into the studio sometime in the near future. pretending a baby is not coming out of me and changing my life forever. i promise it won’t be about how amazing my baby is…what a fucking bore that would be.
winding down before ….
our show on thursday was quick. 2 songs quick. i must say i had no idea what we were in for and i had never met john wesley harding. very nice man and all went fine. being fat with a baby in my belly and a cold in my lungs i bolted after my 2 songs and did not get to see the show. my guitar was out of tune for 1 song and my friend harry was out of tune for the other (she sang the chorus of boyfriends for me) tried to get the audience to sing it with me but of course they had no idea what the hell i was going on about-they were not there for me i gathered. john wesley harding seems to really go for it. has his hands in many pots. doing shit all the time..creating nights of music and stuff like that. i am not like that. sorry for it too. never was much of a joiner and becoming less so as i get older.
this week i am working on my next venture. a 5 song ep. not sure how its going to sound yet but i have the songs and as long as i get it done before the baby turns up i will be happy.
this is where i go to when the city get too much….